Brief jokes by me (incomplete list; some have occurred to earlier comedians?)
For specialists. How do philosophers explain differences in life expectancy in different countries? Different attitudes towards the Makropulos case
A psychiatrist said to me: "I have clever patients than you. I just don't understand them.
French tourism joke: is there a triangle on Rue Pascal?
A psychiatrist said to me: "I have cleverer patients than you. I just don't understand them yet."
Joke for specialists. If you want to eat, it is easier to go through Rue Malebranche. And if you want to sleep. But what if you want to make a joke?
When do psychiatrists sleep? Never. They're always observing you!!!
Which family members does your psychiatrist consult? The abusive ones.
Why aren't there billionaire psychiatrists? Because all they care about is making "sense".
Why aren't psychiatrists trying to get to Mars? Because most people aren't.
Why don't psychiatrists diagnose themselves? Because they are not paid to
My friend is optimistic. He thinks psychiatrists will stop medicating people when they understand the mind.
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychoanalyst? A psychoanalyst listens to, doesn't medicate you, and is not much respected as a scientist. A psychiatrist doesn't listen to you, medicates you, and is respected as a scientist.
What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a diary? If you keep saying what you really think to a psychiatrist, they will medicate you for irrationality.
Why do psychiatrists medicate you? To ensure you can distinguish between dream and reality!
A Scottish woman was found in a suitcase in Greece. Is that true, because have you ever tried putting a Scottish woman in a suitcase?
1930s. Jew says to German: aren't you worried about your reputation, carrying out a genocide? German replies: yes, but I don't know how to hide killing 6 million Jews, so...
Joke about Danish concern about immigrants, in French. What's the problem? Are they writing children's stories?
Comedy scene in French (not a brief joke)
Winnie the pooh (old joke probably, but not on WtP jokes website)
Joke for French people
Norway has fairytales too
Picture joke: who would be so cruel as to teach the common man that there are unmad geniuses who are no less geniuses?
Video game (not a one liner)
Conceptual art (not a one liner)
An early form of Ancient Greek? But isn't it all early: ancient Greek!
Old joke? What's the difference between a forest and a witch? You get in trouble if you burn a forest.
A kitchen roll and a toilet roll got in a fight. Kitchen roll said, "I'm bigger than you." Toilet roll said, "I'm more important." Deep, huh?
Cocaine and China joke
Stephen Wright style joke about broccoli
Old joke? How many Renoirs are there?
Old joke or not? Why wasn't writing invented earlier? There weren't dictionaries!
Old joke probably! What is the difference between Madonna and Cher? Madonna is more selfish.
old joke? What is the difference between French and German? German has neuter!
At the back of a charity shop at which I work, there was a reproduction of the Mona Lisa on a chair. A customer came in and said this is really valuable and bought the chair!
Comedy sketch idea: mobile phone hair comb
What's difficult in relation to others but easy in relation to yourself? Reading the mind. (Also Ran King story.)
Response to Be Humble (funny but not a joke)
Jokes told at stand-up comedy: Socrates, lift, all the Constances have gone, etc.
Old joke? What's the difference between posh people and normal people? When posh people say Nan, they are referring to their actually nanny - a servant. When normal people say Nan, they are referring to a grandma.
Old joke probably: what do you call a really brave crab? A spider!
Why are you asking me what my plan is? (Not a joke, but funny)
Hello ChatGPT. I want to know how to write an essay that you can't write. Because I don't want to be put out of business by you.
The sky, the industrial revolution, twist - not a brief joke, but funny
The Sainsbury's story - not a brief joke, but funny
Sex worker and comedian joke
Comedy sketch idea - Monty Python style, PhD examiner selection
Comedy sketch idea - two tribes, how they punch
Imitation of Bulgogi: bucolic and pastoral
What happens when nurses assert their self-interest? The next generation of nurses are extremely attractive.
Philosophy of psychiatry joke. Which psychiatrists don't have sexual relations with nurses? Ones who believe in a priori arguments!
Doctor takes the nurses exam. Who is a person most likely to call if in trouble? Writes: ghostbusters!
Victoria Baths, but what else does she do? Variation on a joke I tell at stand up.
How they treated autism a long time ago - comical dialogue
What does bro eat? Bro eats broad noodles (Imitating Instagram star Bulgogi, not funny later)
Yo bro, do you know any slang? (Imitating Instagram star Bulgogi, not funny later)
A society without the artist. Where's the artist? I took him out of the picture, mate
What is a Manchester professor's example of a category error? Someone comes to Manchester and asks where is China town
Relationships and Ancient Greek mythmaking (not a brief joke, but funny)
Comedy involving Jean-Paul Sarte, Simone de Beauvoir, and Valery (not a brief joke, but funny)
Why can't you be more like your cousin? (Visual joke, fish tins, funny)
Political jokes I told at stand-up. Keir Starmer is in China - Andy Burnham's big chance
A student told me for getting into Chinese universities the grades are higher than at University of Manchester. I replied, "What? The University of Manchester is a Chinese university."
(See here also, for the same joke.)
Joke about an Instagram star (not funny? not true?). How do you put Bulgogi out of business? Move her to Australia
Jokes at stand up. "I mastered the square, the triangle, the rectangle, but keep getting stuck with the trapezium..." (Google maps joke)
Joke in the Chinese comedian style: why is there no Chinese Bill Gates? Because Chinese don't drop out of Harvard
What's the difference between national law and international law? I haven't broken international law yet.
Comedy sketch idea: Fabergas goes to Barcelona, hits the beautifully in the air, Xavi and Iniesta both vomit
Christmas jokes. For economists. How did Santa deal with the rise in population after the Industrial revolution? He made simplifying assumptions - all the children in that neighbourhood are bad. How does Santa's organization save costs? Only gives presents to good children.
What's the difference between this and Dettol? They both don't get rid of you.
Where do you find the Internet? Online. Why wasn't the Internet invented during the Industrial revolution? There wasn't enough pornography then.
Shaving and priming comedy (not a one liner)
Stand up jokes. I went to the bookshop and saw books by Salman Rushdie and Zadies Smith. I asked, where are the books by white people? "They are in the classics section." New Saudi Arabian library in Manchester with a large A section!
What is the difference between a wife and an idea of a wife? A wife comes first!
Comedy sketch idea, Cambridge secret society (not a one liner)
(See also here)
Jokes or simply nonsense?
Madonna holiday comedy sketch/joke
Comedy sketch on British' saying sorry when the victim (not a one liner)
Leaf in Manchester (not a one liner)
Comedy sketch idea: Setting up an Instagram site
Some jokes, including Lucy Powell, Manchester MP. said a plague on all your houses. Isn't it both your houses? There are only two anyway!
Margaret Thatcher only slept 4 hours a night. I only sleep that much too, but I also sleep in the daytime.
Comedy sketch idea: I invite some philosophers over for dinner but they fall ill later, because it is half-baked
What is the difference between a police car and an MU car? You can report a police car!
Comedy sketch idea: Frazer quotation brain scan
Comedy sketch idea: inside the newspaper TV reviewer's office
Comedy sketch idea: Friends with Cosby Show intro
Comedy sketch idea: Phoebe and Joey from Friends, both stupid?
Why did the Groundhog look up google? To find out what groundhogs are famous for
Philosophical joke: I think, like, I think, like... (And Cosby Show, Friends material)
Advertisement for essay writer in age of AI
TV guide inside microwave box sketch
(See also here.)
There is nothing worth sharing with you today sketch
Evolution of Judas sketch
American opening up of Japan comedy sketch idea
Batman and Robin comedy sketch idea
Disney comedy sketch idea: I used to be a mermaid too; Disney will never tell my story
Why don't the Japanese say sorry? Because they are Japanese, aren't they?
Old joke? Why did the snake get a psychoanalyst? Because it was suffering from hiss-steria.
How do we know that Norway does not have that much oil? The Americans don't invade. (This joke would go down well in the Middle East!
What do you call an Octopus wearing a chastity belt? A loctopus!
When I was in school there was a girl called Maria Hernandez. What her nan does, I don't know.
Joke in The Fitzgerald. Imagine you are Hollywood stars. Why do elephants have long noses? Because they don't have plastic surgeons.
What's it like being a dog without a bone? Quite soft I imagine
Old joke probably: Two kinds of Korea women, North Korea women and South Korea women
And (I presume) somewhere there is: why do some serial killers eat their victims? It solves the problem of what to do with the body.
And: what did the noodle say to the spaghetti? You're fat.