How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? The ceiling is closer.
How did I escape Iraq? Iran.
Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way I’m a mile away and have his shoes.
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
I changed my password to “incorrect.” So whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house does not jump.
Son to Mother: “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me sissy.” Mother: “What did you do?” Son: “I hit him with my purse.”
What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.
I don’t know why I bought this coconut shampoo. I don’t have any coconuts.
I am not vegetarian because I love animals. I am vegetarian because I hate plants.
You can’t step in the same river twice, especially if it’s near a chemical factory.
A teacher asks a student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ what tense is that?” The student replies, “It is obviously past.”
A Sunday school teacher asked students, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl answered, “Because people are sleeping.”
A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet and told that he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “O-pun the door.”
My friend David is a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
Why do Marxists drink fake tea? Because proper tea is theft.
Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven? He had huit allergy.
Two cats had a swimming contest across the English channel. One was called “One two three.” The other was called “Un Deux Trois.” Which cat won? One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
She sells sea shells by the sea shore. Surely the worst place to sell sea shells!
What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth? Warren.
Author known (in alphabetical order of surname)
I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”
Do you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad with you? But when you take him in the car, he sticks his head out of the window.
I saw this advert for the homeless world cup. I thought, “They’re all going to be away games.”
I said, “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said, “I don’t know. We never measure it.”
My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!
I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
I bought a dog from our local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
I saw an old tramp walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said: “You lost your shoe.” He said: “No, I found one.”
Voltaire said, “Judge a man by his questions.” Who was Voltaire again?
Afraid of paedophiles? Grow up!
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
At university I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.
So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.
We can teach kids there is no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.
I like wearing a necklace so I can tell if I’m upside down.
This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.
My belt is holding my pants up. The loops are holding the belt up. Who’s the real hero down there?
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”
I write jokes for a living. I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought ain’t funny.
Never say, “Never.” Oops, said it twice.
In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…. Retired mermaids.
My Mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.
The lions were playing the ants at football. By the end of the first half, they were winning. Then the ants made a substitution and brought on a centipede. The centipede played brilliantly and the lions lost. The captain of the lions asked the centipede why he had not played from the beginning. The centipede said that he was putting on his shoes.
What would be really confusing is if you are performing an abortion and someone runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”
Whenever I ask my parents who their favourite kid is, they say they don’t have a favourite, which kind-of hurts my feelings, because I’m an only child.
When I said I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They’re not laughing now.
My parents moved to Yorkshire when I was six. I moved when I was ten. It took me that long to track them down.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon does not come back, what you have lost is a pigeon.
There is no “i” in denial.
Do you know Danny Welbeck? His father is a bomb disposal expert. Stan Welbeck.
I have a Martin-Luther-King sized bed. It’s like a regular king sized bed, except you always have a dream.
The Mighty Jewmanberg
My neighbour has a sign which says, “I have a gun.” So I am afraid burglars will come to my house instead. And I can’t afford a gun. But I can afford a sign which says, “No, he doesn’t.”
The Mighty Jewmanberg
I am very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
I was a Caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go through the window.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… Boy, were they mad!!