Jokes

 

Author unknown

 

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? The ceiling is closer.

 

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

 

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way I’m a mile away and have his shoes.

 

Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

 

I changed my password to “incorrect.” So whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

 

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

            Robfee?

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.

 

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house does not jump.

 

Son to Mother: “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me sissy.” Mother: “What did you do?” Son: “I hit him with my purse.”

 

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.

 

I don’t know why I bought this coconut shampoo. I don’t have any coconuts.

 

I am not vegetarian because I love animals. I am vegetarian because I hate plants.

 

You can’t step in the same river twice, especially if it’s near a chemical factory.

            Russian anti-proverb

 

A teacher asks a student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ what tense is that?” The student replies, “It is obviously past.”

 

A Sunday school teacher asked students, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl answered, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet and told that he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.  He immediately shouted, “O-pun the door.”

 

My friend David is a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav.

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

 

Do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

 

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

 

Why do Marxists drink fake tea? Because proper tea is theft.

 

Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven? He had huit allergy.

 

Two cats had a swimming contest across the English channel. One was called “One two three.” The other was called “Un Deux Trois.” Which cat won? One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

 

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

 

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. Surely the worst place to sell sea shells!

 

What do you call a man with a rabbit in his mouth? Warren.

 

Author known (in alphabetical order of surname)

 

I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”

            Nat Baimel

 

Do you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad with you? But when you take him in the car, he sticks his head out of the window.

            Steve Bluestone

 

I saw this advert for the homeless world cup. I thought, “They’re all going to be away games.”

            Darren Brinkford

 

I said, “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said, “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

            Tommy Cooper

 

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

            Tommy Cooper

 

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

            Tommy Cooper?

 

I bought a dog from our local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

            Tommy Cooper

 

I saw an old tramp walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said: “You lost your shoe.” He said: “No, I found one.”

            Tommy Cooper

 

Voltaire said, “Judge a man by his questions.” Who was Voltaire again?

Jimmy Carr

 

Afraid of paedophiles? Grow up!

            Jimmy Carr

 

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

            Rodney Dangerfield

 

At university I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.

            Stewart Francis

 

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

            Stewart Francis

 

We can teach kids there is no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.

            Aaron Fullerton

 

I like wearing a necklace so I can tell if I’m upside down.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

My belt is holding my pants up. The loops are holding the belt up. Who’s the real hero down there?

            Mitch Hedberg

 

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

            Mitch Hedberg

 

I write jokes for a living. I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought ain’t funny.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

Never say, “Never.” Oops, said it twice.

            Harry Hill

 

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

            Mogens Jallberg

 

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

            Rhys James

 

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…. Retired mermaids.

            Milton Jones 

 

My Mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.

            Nish Kumar

 

The lions were playing the ants at football. By the end of the first half, they were winning. Then the ants made a substitution and brought on a centipede. The centipede played brilliantly and the lions lost. The captain of the lions asked the centipede why he had not played from the beginning. The centipede said that he was putting on his shoes.

            Bernard Manning

 

What would be really confusing is if you are performing an abortion and someone runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

            Dan Mintz

 

Whenever I ask my parents who their favourite kid is, they say they don’t have a favourite, which kind-of hurts my feelings, because I’m an only child.

            Dan Mintz

 

When I said I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They’re not laughing now.

            Bob Monkhouse

 

My parents moved to Yorkshire when I was six. I moved when I was ten. It took me that long to track them down.

            Bob Monkhouse

 

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon does not come back, what you have lost is a pigeon.

Sara Pascoe

 

There is no “i” in denial.

            Peter Serafinowicz

 

Do you know Danny Welbeck? His father is a bomb disposal expert. Stan Welbeck.

            Rob Stadtmuller

 

I have a Martin-Luther-King sized bed. It’s like a regular king sized bed, except you always have a dream.

            The Mighty Jewmanberg

 

My neighbour has a sign which says, “I have a gun.” So I am afraid burglars will come to my house instead. And I can’t afford a gun. But I can afford a sign which says, “No, he doesn’t.”

            The Mighty Jewmanberg

 

I am very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

            Chris Turner

 

I was a Caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go through the window.

            Steven Wright

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

            Steven Wright

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

            Steven Wright

 

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

            Steven Wright

 

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… Boy, were they mad!!

            Steven Wright

 

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