Jokes

 

Author unknown

 

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? The ceiling is closer.

            Unknown

 

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

            Unknown

 

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way I’m a mile away and have his shoes.

            Unknown

 

I notice that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.

            Unknown

 

Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

            Unknown

 

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were religious.

            Unknown

 

I changed my password to “incorrect.” So whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

            Unknown

 

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

            Robfee?

 

A teacher asks a student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ what tense is that?” The student replies, “It is obviously past.”

            Unknown

 

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.

            Unknown

 

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

            Unknown

 

To learn about paranoiacs, follow them around.

            Unknown

 

What did Jay Z call his wife before they were married? Feyonce.

            Unknown

 

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house does not jump.

            Unknown

 

Son to Mother: “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me sissy.” Mother: “What did you do?” Son: “I hit him with my purse.”

            Unknown

 

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don’t.

            Unknown

 

I am not vegetarian because I love animals. I am vegetarian because I hate plants.

            Unknown

 

You can’t step in the same river twice, especially if it’s near a chemical factory.

            Russian anti-proverb

 

A pig walks into a bar, orders 15 beers, and drinks them.

The bartender asks, “Would you like to know where the bathroom is?”

The pig says, “No, I’m the little piggy that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.”

            Unknown

 

A middle aged Jewish woman on an airplane shouts, “Emergency! Is there a doctor on board?” A man says he is a doctor. The woman says, “Would you like to meet my daughter?”

            Unknown

 

Laziness is when a person doesn’t fake that he is working.

            Unknown

 

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

            Unknown

 

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have both bought jewellery and experienced pain.

            Unknown

 

Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast? Because it does not have to stop to change colour.

            Unknown

 

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You are too young to smoke.

            Unknown

 

A Sunday school teacher asked students, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl answered, “Because people are sleeping.”

            Unknown

 

Wife: “Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?” Husband: “How can I? I don’t even know her.”

            Unknown

 

Grand-dad, what is the best thing about being 100? No peer pressure.

            Unknown

 

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

            Unknown

 

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet and told that he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation.  He immediately shouted, “O-pun the door.”

            Unknown

 

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

            Unknown American

 

Do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.

            Unknown

 

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”

            Unknown

 

I went on this once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Never again.

            Unknown

 

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

            Unknown

 

Pessimist: “Things can’t get any worse.” Optimist: “Of course they can.”

            Unknown

 

Why do cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work.

            Unknown

 

One goldfish says to the other, “If there’s no God, who changes our water every week?”

            Unknown

 

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

            Unknown

 

Which falls from a cliff faster, a blonde or a brunette? A brunette because a blonde asks for directions on the way down.

            Unknown

 

Author known (in alphabetical order of surname)

 

I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”

            Nat Baimel

 

I don’t know if you heard the news today but the US army have captured Miss Muffet. She was hiding out in the hills of Iraq, eating curds.

            Darren Brinkford

 

I saw this advert for the homeless world cup. I thought, “They’re all going to be away games.”

            Darren Brinkford

 

I said, “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said, “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

            Tommy Cooper

 

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

            Tommy Cooper

 

I saw an old tramp walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said: “You lost your shoe.” He said: “No, I found one.”

            Tommy Cooper

 

Voltaire said, “Judge a man by his questions.” Who was Voltaire again?

Jimmy Carr

 

Afraid of paedophiles? Grow up!

            Jimmy Carr

 

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

            Rodney Dangerfield

 

Missionary: “Brother, have you found Christ?” Me: “Is he lost again?”

            Peter de Vries

 

At university I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.

            Stewart Francis

 

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

            Stewart Francis

 

We can teach kids there is no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.

            Aaron Fullerton

 

I like wearing a necklace so I can tell if I’m upside down.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

            Mitch Hedberg

 

I write jokes for a living. I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought ain’t funny.

            Mitch Hedberg

 

Never say, “Never.” Oops, said it twice.

            Harry Hill

 

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

            Mogens Jallberg

 

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…. Retired mermaids.

            Milton Jones 

 

My Mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.

            Nish Kumar

 

I walked into a Chinese restaurant and said, “Hey you.” The waiter said, “How did you know my name?”

            Bernard Manning

 

The lions were playing the ants at football. By the end of the first half, they were winning. Then the ants made a substitution and brought on a centipede. The centipede played brilliantly and the lions lost. The captain of the lions asked the centipede why he had not played from the beginning. The centipede said that he was putting on his shoes.

            Bernard Manning

 

What would be really confusing is if you are performing an abortion and someone runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

            Dan Mintz

 

Whenever I ask my parents who their favourite kid is, they say they don’t have a favourite, which kind-of hurts my feelings, because I’m an only child.

            Dan Mintz

 

When I said I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They’re not laughing now.

            Bob Monkhouse

 

My parents moved to Yorkshire when I was six. I moved when I was ten. It took me that long to track them down.

            Bob Monkhouse

 

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon does not come back, what you have lost is a pigeon.

Sara Pascoe

 

There is no “i” in denial.

            Peter Serafinowicz

 

Do you know Danny Welbeck? His father is a bomb disposal expert. Stan Welbeck.

            Rob Stadtmuller

 

I have a Martin-Luther-King sized bed. It’s like a regular king sized bed, except you always have a dream.

            The Mighty Jewmanberg

 

My neighbour has a sign which says, “I have a gun.” So I am afraid burglars will come to my house instead. And I can’t afford a gun. But I can afford a sign which says, “No, he doesn’t.”

            The Mighty Jewmanberg

 

I am very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

            Chris Turner

 

I was a Caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go through the window.

            Steven Wright

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

            Steven Wright

 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

            Steven Wright

 

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

            Steven Wright

 

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… Boy, were they mad!!

            Steven Wright

 

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