Jokes

Author unknown

How do you know if there is an elephant under your bed? The ceiling is closer.

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes. That way I’m a mile away and have his shoes.

Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.

I changed my password to “incorrect.” So whenever I forget what it is, the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn’t complain.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course. A house does not jump.

Son to Mother: “I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me sissy.” Mother: “What did you do?” Son: “I hit him with my purse.”

What did zero say to eight? Nice belt.

I don’t know why I bought this coconut shampoo. I don’t have any coconuts.

I am not vegetarian because I love animals. I am vegetarian because I hate plants.

You can’t step in the same river twice, especially if it’s near a chemical factory.

Russian anti-proverb

A teacher asks a student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ what tense is that?” The student replies, “It is obviously past.”

A Sunday school teacher asked students, “Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” A little girl answered, “Because people are sleeping.”

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet and told that he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, “O-pun the door.”

My friend David is a victim of ID theft. Now we just call him Dav.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia? If it had been invented anywhere else, it would be called the teethbrush.

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, “Five beers please.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

Why do Marxists drink fake tea? Because proper tea is theft.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who could only count to seven? He had huit allergy.

Two cats had a swimming contest across the English channel. One was called “One two three.” The other was called “Un Deux Trois.” Which cat won? One two three because Un Deux Trois cat sank.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore. Surely the worst place to sell sea shells!

What would happen if you took the school bus home? The police would make you bring it back.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they never meet.

What is the difference between the constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Both guarantee freedom of speech.

Yes, but the USA guarantees freedom after speech.

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says,

"Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks.

"Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

What’s the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Who eats broccoli?

One cow asks the other, “What do you think of mad cow disease?” The other says, “It won’t affect me. I’m a helicopter.”

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Sometimes I wake up grumpy, other times I let her sleep.

How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

I went to the doctor’s with a strawberry growing out of my bum. The doctor said, “I’ve got some cream for that.”

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet? Because it has a silent pee.

Whoever put the letter ‘b’ in the word ‘subtle’ deserves a pat on the back.

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.

What are the advantages of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

My father did not love me as a child. Not surprising, because I wasn’t born until he was an adult.

A mummy has been discovered in Egypt covered in chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it may be Pharoah Roche.

Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? To get to high school.

Does anyone know the difference between Qatar and Abu Dhabi?

Qatar don’t show old episodes of Flintstones but Abu Dhabi do.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

Who invented King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.

The day I found my first grey hairs, I thought I’d dye!

I’ve got no problems with genetically modified food. I’ve just had a lovely leg of salmon.

Why did the pirate struggle to learn the alphabet? Because he kept getting lost at c.

Never get behind the devil in a postal queue, for the devil has many forms.

How do you make a Venetian blind? Poke him in the eye.

Some guy assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”

How does a man on the moon cut his hair? He clips it.

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

I told my doctor that I needed to see him right away because I was shrinking.

He told me that he was busy and I needed to be a little patient.

I came across three holes with water in them the other day. I thought to myself, “Well, well, well…”

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t” The doctor said, “Don’t worry those are just contractions.”

What do you call a pony with a cough? A little horse.

A guy is driving back when his wife call him and says, “Honey, be careful. I heard on the news that there is a lunatic driving on the wrong side of the highway.” “It’s worse than that,” he replies, “There are hundreds of them.”

“What’s the name of your new dog?” “I don’t know. He won’t tell.”

“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework,” – Dog Mum.

Author known (in alphabetical order of surname)

I’m disappointed with every movie about sharks that closes with “The End” instead of “Fin.”

Nat Baimel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, “Oh my God, me neither!”

Alasdair Beckett-King

“My wife said: ‘Did you know butterflies only live for one day?’ I said: ‘That’s a myth.’ She said: ‘No, it’s definitely a butterfly.’” 

Tom Binns

Do you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad with you? But when you take him in the car, he sticks his head out of the window.

Steve Bluestone

I don’t know if you heard the news today but the US army have captured Miss Muffet. She was hiding out in the hills of Iraq, eating Kurds.

Darren Brinkford

I saw this advert for the homeless world cup. I thought, “They’re all going to be away games.”

Darren Brinkford

Voltaire said, “Judge a man by his questions.” Who was Voltaire again?

Jimmy Carr

Afraid of paedophiles? Grow up!

Jimmy Carr

Venison’s dear, isn’t it?

Jimmy Carr

As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

Adele Cliff

I never lie on my CV because it creases it.

Jenny Collier

I said, “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said, “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

Tommy Cooper

My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath!

Tommy Cooper

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Tommy Cooper?

I bought a dog from our local blacksmith the other day. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

Tommy Cooper

I saw an old tramp walking down the street wearing one shoe. I said: “You lost your shoe.” He said: “No, I found one.”

Tommy Cooper

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

There is only one thing I don’t like about Halloween, which is…

Gary Delaney

I’ve always said, “Jokes about white sugar are rare. Jokes about brown sugar: demerara.”

Olaf Falafel

My friend keeps telling me I’m in the closet. I just say it’s Narnia business.

Will Ferrell

At university I was going to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.

Stewart Francis

So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world.

Stewart Francis

We can teach kids there is no i in team, but it’s way more important to teach them that there’s no “a” in definitely.

Aaron Fullerton

I like wearing a necklace so I can tell if I’m upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only, which means its dirty.

Mitch Hedberg

My belt is holding my pants up. The loops are holding the belt up. Who’s the real hero down there?

Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said, “No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.”

Mitch Hedberg

I write jokes for a living. I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought ain’t funny.

Mitch Hedberg

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the ark.

Adam Hess

My brother and his friends spend all of their time floating out at sea. Well, boys will be buoys.

Bec Hill

I was in the hospital when I ran into some midwives. I said, “I’ve got lots of jokes about midwives.” They said, “Can you write them down?” I said, “No, it’s all in the delivery.”

Bec Hill

I love my phone so much I wanted to marry it. So I gave it a ring. It was already engaged.

Bec Hill

My friend’s pet ostrich died recently. She had it cremated. I said, “I’m so sorry. That must have been a massive bird-urn.”

Bec Hill

Never say, “Never.” Oops, said it twice.

Harry Hill

In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

Mogens Jallberg

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

Rhys James

Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…. Retired mermaids.

Milton Jones

Some people like cats, some people don’t. I heard the pope is a cat-o-holic.

Milton Jones

My Mum’s so pessimistic that if there was an Olympics for pessimism, she wouldn’t fancy her chances.

Nish Kumar

I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God: contact lenses.

Zoe Lyons

Polygamy – the art of  parrot-folding.

Lizzy Mace

Two astronauts came out of this pub on the moon, totally sloshed! One said to the other, “That’s the last time I go in there.” Why? “No atmosphere.”

Bernard Manning

The lions were playing the ants at football. By the end of the first half, they were winning. Then the ants made a substitution and brought on a centipede. The centipede played brilliantly and the lions lost. The captain of the lions asked the centipede why he had not played from the beginning. The centipede said that he was putting on his shoes.

Bernard Manning

What would be really confusing is if you are performing an abortion and someone runs in and says, “Abort! Abort!”

Dan Mintz

Whenever I ask my parents who their favourite kid is, they say they don’t have a favourite, which kind-of hurts my feelings, because I’m an only child.

Dan Mintz

When I said I wanted to be a comedian, they laughed. They’re not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse

My parents moved to Yorkshire when I was six. I moved when I was ten. It took me that long to track them down.

Bob Monkhouse

My step-father does not like it when I call him fake dad. He prefers faux-pa.

Glen Moore

You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon does not come back, what you have lost is a pigeon.

Sara Pascoe

I picked up a hitchhiker. You’ve got to when you hit them.

Emo Philips

I had an aunt who liked to collect old things. We called her Aunt Tique.

I had an even older aunt. We called her Aunt Cester.

Jeffrey Ross?

There was this woman who swam around Manhattan because no one had ever done it before. She wanted to do something no one had ever done before. She could have just vacuumed my apartment.

Rita Rudner

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

Alexei Sayle

What are they planting to grow the seedless watermelon?

Jerry Seinfeld

A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it.

Ross Smith

There is no “i” in denial.

Peter Serafinowicz

When my wife and I argue, we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff and then we roll out our greatest hits.

Frank Skinner

I have a Martin-Luther-King sized bed. It’s like a regular king sized bed, except you always have a dream.

The Mighty Jewmanberg

My neighbour has a sign which says, “I have a gun.” So I am afraid burglars will come to my house instead. And I can’t afford a gun. But I can afford a sign which says, “No, he doesn’t.”

The Mighty Jewmanberg

I am very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.

Chris Turner

Someone asked me whether my mother was very strict with me as a young boy. I said, “Let me make this very clear. My mother was never a young boy.”

Tim Vine

I was a Caesarean born. You can’t really tell, although whenever I leave the house I go through the window.

Steven Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Steven Wright

I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.

Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back… Boy, were they mad!!

Steven Wright

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